All In (Cedar Mountain University #2) Page 18
My gaze meets Cole’s and I raise one eyebrow in question of Robby’s abrupt departure. Cole gives a barely discernable shake of his head. Frustrated, I let out a sigh before tuning back into the conversation in time to hear Ally ask “What are you studying, Jacob?” around a huge bite of pizza, half the cheese hanging out of her mouth. I shoot her a disgusted look, but she just smiles.
“Economics.” Jacob sets his glass back on the table in front him. “I’m planning to go to law school.”
Holden’s eye brows go up. “Really? Did Grace tell you our dad is a lawyer?”
“She did. She also mentioned you’re in your first year.”
And suddenly they’re bonded for life. I watch in awe as the two of them launch into a conversation about law and politics.
Chapter Twenty Three
The screams wake me up in the middle of the night.
Loud and shrill, they echo through the entire apartment.
Terror.
They are filled with absolute terror, and as they taper off the pain soaked sound settles into my head, thumping through my entire body.
They sound like a child’s cry, not like those of the grown woman I know they are coming from. I won’t ever forget the sound of them.
I roll out of my bed in a tangle of sheets and blankets, landing on my hands and knees on the floor. It takes me several moments to get my feet situated on the ground, my legs free, so I can move out of the room and down the short hall to her room. I know Cole is in there with her, but it doesn’t keep me from throwing open the door.
My heart breaks. Simply shatters into a thousand pieces inside of me as I take in the scene.
Delaney is curled up into a ball in the far corner of the room. Eyes wide as she visibly tightens her arms around her up drawn legs, trying to make herself even smaller. Her body is shaking, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
Cole is standing across the room from her. Dressed in gray sweat pants and a T-shirt, he is leaning against the wall watching her.
“Cole,” I say, keeping my voice as soft as possible. Delaney makes a low noise in her throat, and I swear she pulls herself even tighter together. Trying to make herself as invisible as possible. “Cole.” I say his name again, trying to get him to focus on me. “What happened?”
Blinking he looks away from her, focusing on me. “She started crying. In her sleep. I just touched her. Then she was across the room. She won’t let me touch her.”
He looks back over to Delaney and those shattered pieces of my heart break even farther apart when he whispers, “I just want to hold her.”
“I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I tell him gently.
“I promised her. I told her I would take care of her.”
I look back over to Delaney again. Her body is still tense, but she’s looking at me. Keeping her gaze determinedly off of Cole. I look back to him. “Go sleep in my room.”
“Grace,”
“Go.” I interrupt him. “I’ll take care of her for you. I promise,” I add when he hesitates.
It takes him another few moments before he starts to move out of the room. I hear the soft click of the door as it closes behind him, but I’ve focused my attention back on Delaney cowering in the corner of the bedroom. I’m pretty damn positive that I’m going to screw this up somehow.
“Delaney?” I say her name softly, trying not to scare her any more than she already is. I take a couple of small steps towards her, stopping only when she lets out a small sound of distress. “Okay.” I say softly. “Okay, I’m going to stay right here. You stay there and I’ll stay here and we’ll both be fine.” Sinking to the floor, I cross my legs, rubbing my hands absently along my thighs.
“All right.” I lick my lips. “Shit, I have no idea what I’m doing. You know that, right?” She blinks once in response. “Sure you do.”
“I told him not to be here.” Her voice is whisper soft as it slides across the room toward me.
“Well, now that’s just bullshit.” I tell her, shaking my head. “We’ve been over this before. You’re stuck with us.”
“I’ve always been alone.”
“Now you’re not.” I shove a hand through my hair, tucking it absently behind my ear. “So, I think the key is avoidance. I guarantee that’s not the best way to be handling this, but that’s what we’re going to go for. Okay?”
Delaney nods her head stiffly.
“Ok. So, what to talk about?” I give her a weak smile. “My mind is totally blank, which is hilarious since usually I can’t keep the random thoughts from bouncing around in there.” She’s shivering, I can visibly see her body shaking. “Do you need a blanket?”
“I’m good.”
“All right, so operation distraction is officially started.” I keep my voice soft and low, not wanting to startle her in any way. “I think I’m in love with Jacob.” I let out a whoosh of air. “I didn’t mean to say that.”
“Why?”
“Why didn’t I mean to say that?”
She shakes her head. “No, why do you think you’re in love with him?”
“Now that’s a question.”
Why do I think I’m in love with him?
It might be because he made me smile when all I wanted to do was crawl inside myself. Or because I feel more complete standing next to him in silence, than I ever did while planning a future with Grant. I know I won’t be able to explain the difference of how I feel for Jacob versus how I felt with Grant. Not in a way that anyone would really understand. Grant had made me feel safe, but Jacob makes me feel free, when I hadn’t even known I’d felt trapped.
How was I supposed to explain something to everyone else that I couldn’t fully understand myself? I’d told my mother that Jacob made me feel. I hadn’t explained that when I was with him I felt like every nerve ending in my body was splayed open and vulnerable. I couldn’t tell them how I felt like if I were to have to walk away from Jacob now I knew that nothing would ever be as beautiful as the last few weeks that we had spent together.
I had let myself become wrapped up in a guy again. But this time I knew, I understood, loving Jacob didn’t define who I was. I was Grace Marsh. I was just lucky enough to be in love with Jacob Ross.
“He makes me happy.” I say simply. “I don’t know how to explain it other than that.”
“I think that’s good enough.” Her voice is still whisper soft, as if she’s afraid to speak any louder. “He watches you. When you aren’t looking. It’s sweet.”
Her body isn’t quite as tense and she’s dropped her arms from around her legs. Her eyes are still wide, the pupils dilated to the point where the iris is barely visible at all. She’s rubbing absently at her stomach with one hand, and I know there is a scar there from where that monster had tried to kill her before ditching her in a dumpster like she was nothing but trash.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Her face pales even more and I instantly regret the question. Of course she doesn’t want to talk about it. I can’t imagine that I’d want to talk about it either. Shoving my hair behind my ears, I shift on my bottom, trying to get comfortable on the floor.
I don’t know who’s more surprised, her or I, when she tells me, “I was hoping it would be better this year. Because he’s dead.”
“But it’s not.”
She shakes her head. “Not really. I still see him when I close my eyes. Still feel him touching me. Cole asked me not to take the sleeping pills. I told him I’d try.”
“But you had a dream earlier.”
“He touched me. Cole,” she clarifies. “He touched me but I was still caught up in the dream and I thought it was him. Then I couldn’t think at all. I just wanted to get away. This is why I didn’t want anyone here. Why I didn’t want him here. I hurt his feelings.”
“He’ll get over that, Grace. You’re what’s important to him. Right now he’s more concerned about helping you through this than whether or not you hurt his feelings.”
“Okay. I’m here as long as you need me.”
She doesn’t move from her spot against the wall, so I don’t leave my spot on the floor either. We sit there in silence as the sun starts to come up, the light spreading through the slats of her blinds over the window, causing spindly patches of sun across the floor.
At some point during the night I grab her blanket off the bed, wrapping it around myself before leaning up against her mattress. I struggle to keep my eyes open, but I wanted to be awake in case she needs me again, and she wasn’t sleeping either.
I can faintly hear Cole moving around the apartment, the sounds indicating that he is making himself a cup of coffee, which I’m pretty sure I’d do just about anything for right now. I hear his voice every once in a while, so I know he isn’t alone out there, which is good. The murmured voice that answers him is too low for me to distinguish who it belongs to. But it becomes a fun little game I play in my head, trying to pin point who is with him.
I try not to watch Delaney, because I can only imagine that having me stare at her constantly would be all kinds of creepy, so I study the carpet, which seriously needs to be shampooed, and the walls which could use a fresh coat of paint, and the dust particles that circle through the air, dancing in the sunlight.
“You don’t have to stay here with me.”
My head jerks up at the sound of her voice. She’s still braced against the wall, eyes rimmed red with fatigue, the struggle to stay awake clearly visible. “Yeah I do.”
“Every time I close my eyes I see him.” Her voice breaks, and I listen as she tries to muffle her tears.
I know Cole asked her not to take the pills. I even understand why he had asked her. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and watch her cry and fight sleep for the next three days.
“Where are the sleeping pills?” Her eyes clash with mine, and I see the hesitancy there. “You told him you would try, Del, but he doesn’t want to see you in this much pain. Not sleeping is not the fucking answer here. Where are they?”
She licks her lips. “My nightstand.”
I scramble up, walking on my knees across the dirty carpet. I yank open the nightstand, figuring I’m going to have to shuffle through a lot of crap to find the bottle of pills.
Of course, I should have remembered this was Delaney and her drawer would be neat as a pin, like everything else in her room was. You’d have to dig for days to find anything in mine, but there was the bottle of pills, a notepad of paper, a pen, and a flashlight and nothing else bouncing around in there.
Snagging the pills I move to go get her a glass of water from the bathroom before I remember she won’t drink it unless it’s in a sealed bottle. I reroute quickly, hoping like hell that Cole won’t try and stop me when I go out to get her a bottle.
“I’ll be right back.” I toss the words over my shoulder as I hurry out of the room. The low sound of the TV is coming from the living room, and I let out a hiss of air when I see Grant’s blond head sitting next to Cole on the couch. Shit. I so do not need this today.
I move quickly, grabbing a bottle of water out of the fridge and hurrying back down the hall, listening to Cole call my name once he hears me. I just lift a hand in the air in response, picking up the pace so I can get back to Delaney and give her the sleeping pills before he questions me too much.
I can hear him coming up the hall as I hand everything over to her. “Take it quick, and let’s get you tucked back in to bed.”
I watch her closely as she tucks the pill on her tongue, snapping the cap off the bottle of water as she chases it down. She crawls into the bed and I toss the cover back on top of her, studying her for a moment longer as she rolls to one side, wrapping her arms around her stomach.
I just barely make it out of the room and into the hallway before the first tear falls. Cole is standing there, watching me silently. I launch myself at him, needing the physical contact between us. His arms have just barely wrapped around me when the first and only sob escapes. I muffle the rest against his shoulder.
Chapter Twenty Four
Curled up on the couch, wrapped up in blankets, I’m flipping mindlessly through the channels trying to find something to watch that doesn’t require thought on my end. There’s been too much going on in my head today already, no need to crowd it up any further with something off the History Channel.
Delaney was still out from the sleeping pill. Cole was sitting in the room with her. The last time I’d looked in he was sitting next to her on the bed, as close as he could without actually touching her. My eyes were starting to burn with how tired I was, but every time I closed my eyes I could hear her tortured screams. I should have taken one of her sleeping pills for myself. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to sleep for quite some time.
“Grace?”
I glance up as Grant comes into the living room. I’m so tired I can’t even be pissed that he’s there. My entire body just feels heavy and lethargic. He’s holding a mug in his hands, and the smell of coffee is like a beautiful gift.
“Cole finally fell asleep.” He tells me as he hands me the mug. I let the heat from the coffee seep into my incredibly cold fingers, shifting on the couch so Grant can sit next to me.
“That’s good.” I blow on the coffee before taking a drink. “You should head home to get some sleep, too.”
He smirks. “I know you don’t want me here, Grace, but this isn’t about us.”
“I know what this is about, Grant. It was just a suggestion. We’re all exhausted and frankly, you look like shit.”
Silence stretches like a curtain between us. I take another sip of the coffee while watching a scene from Teen Mom. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that I was sitting here next to Grant or that I could name all the girls on the show. And the names of their children.
We slip from one episode into the next, both of us remaining silent as we watch the drama unfold on the screen in front of us. I finish the coffee that he’d brought, leaning forward to drop the mug on the coffee table before leaning back to get comfortable again.
“Are you going to snap my head off if I ask how things are with Jacob?”
I turn my head in his direction, my eyes narrowing, just a little. “Why do you care?” I question, barreling on before he can respond, “Why do you keep doing this?” I shake my head, “I don’t understand, Grant. You broke up with me, but you just won’t let it go. It doesn’t make sense.”
“I still care about you, Grace that never went away. I want you to be happy.” He pauses, eyes flitting away then coming back again just as quickly. “Holden told me Jacob makes you happy, but I just can’t seem to move on.”
I snort. “Pretty sure you moved on pretty damn fast, Grant.”
“Not like you think. I tried, because I thought it would be for the best, but I can’t move past how I feel about you.”
Because he thought it would be for the best? What in the hell was he talking about?
“Tell me the real reason you dumped me.” I know he’s going to feed me the same bullshit line as before. His gaze flicks away from me, his jaw tightening as his hands stretch out flat before balling into fists in his lap. “I think you owe it to me, Grant, to give me the truth.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
I snort. “I think we’re passed that, don’t you?”
Shaking his head he lets his eyes meet mine. “No, I mean I didn’t want to physically hurt you.”
Of all the things I had been expecting him to say, and my imagination has run wild on this particular topic, at no point did I ever expect those words to come out of his mouth “What? You would never physically hurt me, Grant, that’s ridiculous.”
“Is it? Because obviously I’m not opposed to using my fists.”
“Let’s not get into the stupidity that is you fighting off your loan shark debt.” I say with a shake of my head. “Ther
e really aren’t enough words in the English language to tell you what a moron I think you are on that front. Regardless of that, I know you would never hurt me”
He doesn’t believe me. Studying him quietly, I can see that he has been torturing himself with this for months. His eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, are all but dripping with the haunting thought that he could have hurt me. I lean forward, placing a hand on his arm closest to me. “Grant, you would never hurt me. You aren’t your father,” I say softly.
The muscle in his arm is pulled tight under my hand, and his eyes squeeze shut right before his head turns away from me. I wish I’d known. I wish I’d had some clue that he had this worry inside of him. His father had been an off-limits topic, and I had never tried to force the issue. I thought that was what he needed, to put it all behind him and never speak of it again.
Apparently he’s thought about it quite a lot.
Clearing his throat, he turns his head back to me as he starts to speak softly, “Do you remember the night we were home and we went to dinner with your parents? They took us to that Italian place your Mom loves so much.”
I flip through my memories in my head, trying to pick out the night he’s talking about. We’ve gone there several times, so pinpointing the one he’s talking about is difficult.
“It was Memorial Day weekend.” He adds when I slowly shake my head.
“Okay,” I’m not sure where he’s going with this, but then the night comes back in startling clarity. We had argued that night. In typical Grace fashion, I had said something without thinking it through, I can’t remember what it was exactly, but I remember it had embarrassed him in front of my parents. He hadn’t said anything at the restaurant, had waited until it was just the two of us, and our discussion of the events that night hadn’t been very civilized.
Grant and I hadn’t argued often during our relationship. He was so easygoing that it was difficult to ruffle his feathers. It was one of the things I loved about him. So when we had argued they had been epic fights.